Its all about me!!

True to who I am

2011-12-28T19:36:00.002Z

Ok so here it goes.... "I am attracted to men and women"...... I am who I am .....

Thats all :-D x

New Year 2012 Resolutions

2011-12-22T23:28:00.001Z

New Year 2012 Resolutions:-
1) Change my attitude to life...... we live once after all.
2) Accept myself for who I am........
3) Organisation ...... to learn what that means
4) To have some fun
5) To add to my list of things to do before I die.......
6) Go to the gym more often
7) To not worry so much what people think of me
8) No drinking alcohol in the week
9) Routine, routine, routine......
10) To make new friends
11) To stop being so naive
12) To look after myself more and put myself first sometimes
13) To save £1 for every 1lb weight loss. £10 for every half stone and £50 for every stone. I will be a super model and I will do it the right way!!!!
14) To learn the meaning of the word perserverance, determination and patience.
15) To write my novel.
16) To further my experiences of life
17) To study further
18) To make time.........
19) To go clubbing
20) To go to a psychic reading
21) Another piercing
22) Another tattoo
23) To spend less time at work and more time with the people who mean the most

Ok so I think 23 New Years Resolution's are enough... for now anyway!!!! Feel free to add to them if you think I need it...............

Feeling positive about the future

2011-12-18T01:08:00.001Z

This year has been so positive. I have made real changes and am learning to accept myself.

I am me after all....

I have a really good feeling that 2012 is going to be a good one and I am looking forward to embracing it x

2011-11-28T20:43:00.001Z

Well hello there everyone and sorry for the long absense... Life has been pretty manic and non stop but I am determined to get some order back in my life and get to grips with what life throws at us.

Unfortunately I have still not beaten my weight problem but I will get there... I am certain of that.... Life throws problems and challenges at us but these things are sent to try us and eventually to make us stronger. I am learning everyday and I am fortunate to have some amazing and supportive people behind me.

Now I just need to realise I am human.... I make mistakes, I experience pain and suffering like everyone else, I am me... faults and all.... take me or leave me, I should not be changing for anyone!

So tonight I rejoined Weight Watchers. For the money I have spent on dieting, I could be a millionaire by now but I need to keep my head in the right place and stop the yo-yo dieting once and for all.

I am hoping to make some major changes in my life over the next few months. I am going to document it, be true to myself and embrace the changes I need to make in my life to make me a stronger person.

I have come a long way. OCD no longer controls me. I control it (something I never thought I would ever say a few years ago).

Now I need to control the fact that I eat and drink to cope with problems and I need to change that.

My youngest son most likely has Aspergers
My mum has MS
I am getting older and need to accept the fact I will probably never have a daughter
I have a weight problem
I am a perfectionist
I hate upsetting people
I find it difficult to move on

So wish me luck fellow bloggers..... and it's nice to be back :-D

Thank you for following me :-D

Michelle xx

It's A New Dawn. It's A New Day. It's A New Life. For Me. And I'm Feeling Good (8)

2011-05-20T22:38:00.007+01:00

Feeling good right now. My mojo is back. I lost 4.5 lbs at WW this week, I have a weekend off and am looking forward to a reunion with the in laws tomorrow.... It's Party Time - good music, good company, lots of alcohol and a fun, fun, fun.

Life is on track finally. Now the boys are growing up I am coming into my own and this is the time to be me. I have had massive responsibility for such a long time (15 years since our eldest was born) but now the boys don't need me as much. My career is blossoming nicely. I am a Line Manager for 32 carer's and I have been with London Care for almost a year now. Life is good. Sometimes I get a little broody but it does not last long. The thought of a little baby again is lovely but I really do not have the time or energy for another child. They take up so much time and are a massive commitment for so long. I love my lay in on a Sunday morning, the being able to go to the shops on my own and the chance of having me time........ awwwwww bliss.

Next onto my 'pink mobile' I am serious lovin' my car

Oh Yes........ Shelleybaby's Pink Mobile..... Pink exterior personalisation, pink seat covers, pink extras and even a pink stereo with top sounds <3 I am lovin' it, lovin' it, lovin' it

Girl Power at its best..............

Having a Tough Time :'(

2011-05-14T17:41:00.003+01:00

Hello dear blog.... Sorry for not being around but things have been so tough recently.

Firstly I so need to work on 'routine'........ I thought by working full time things would get easier - how wrong I was.

I am struggling and my health is suffering. I was sick the other night and it contained blood... OMG whats going on??? Going to need to go for another endoscopy, oh joy!

Finding life tough right now, so many problems and not much light at the end of the tunnel. I know I need to dust myself off and regain a 'positive mental attitude' but sometimes life gets you down so much and it is hard to see that light at the end of the tunnel let alone a way forwards from the stress and pressure.

If there is a god up there and he is listening - 'please give me and my family a break'. We need it!!!!!!!!!

In the meantime I need to find time to relax and re-focus to find out how to make myself feel happier....... The things I thought were important are not and the things that I never worried about now worry me! Life is cr@p really. I know it is supposed to be what you make it and I know we only live once (well apparently) but I am drained - both emotionally and physically and need a boost - real quick!!!!!!

I need a guiding light.... today would be nice!

Until next time x

Emotional and Anxious :-(

2011-04-27T21:18:00.002+01:00

Feeling really emotional and anxious at the moment and I cant seem to shift it. I have been feeling like this for a few days now and I dont like it. I am not sure if I am just tired or what is going on but I am feeling really fragile.... Hopefully it wont last for much longer. I always panic incase OCD & depression flares up.... Fingers crossed this is just a small blip and will soon pass.

Life is good

2011-04-19T19:44:00.005+01:00

Hello dear blog and sorry for abandoning you once again but life has been so busy.

Life is going really well right now. I lost 4.5lbs last week at my WW weigh in, I am loving my job and I am finding my independence and getting my life in order now that the boys are growing up. Dont get me wrong I love being a mum etc but I am finally enjoying being me!!!

I am proud of my achievements. My OCD is under control (touch wood) - and I can deal with the occassional blip. I am loving the career change. I have passed my NVQ Level 2 in Health & Social Care and am finally addressing the weight problem (in the proper way) I have had since being a teenager. My sister in law to be Mel joined WW on Thursday and my friend Hannah will be joining the first week of May.

My brother-in-law is getting married in July and I am hoping to be able to lose between a stone and a half and 2 stones. I have a goal and I will get there. I need to lose about 9 stones - OMG I cant believe I need to lose that much!!!!! That is 126lb or 57kg *shame on me* - My motto is 'dont be afraid of the time if will take to achieve your goals as the time will pass anyway' - very true and relevant.

The routine is getting there finally - the home/work life balance is finally working out. I managed swimming Friday night with my sister in law to be Mel as well as Aqua Aerobics yesterday (Monday) - again with Mel and I went to the gym on Sunday. So I am on track and now I just need to keep it up.

My next priorities are:-

* Budgetting (and sticking to it).... trying to be a reformed shopaholic honestly!!!!!!
* Routine for Lewis - visual timetable's, regular bed times and lowering the sugar intake.
* To earn serious money on Ebay.

I am so made up for my gorgeous Niece Zoe and Darren who are expecting their first baby at the beginning of November. Congratulations to both of you, so very happy for you :-D

Anyway that is all for now as going to chill out with my first glass of wine for almost a week!

Night night dear blog x

First Weigh In

2011-03-24T21:27:00.003Z

Whoop whoop. Weigh in number 1 and 3.5lbs lost. Very impressed and WW ProPoints is definately the way to go. Feeling positive (on a weight loss front anyway).

Feeling knackered on every other front and not overly looking forward to being on call this weekend but hey ho... thinking of the ££££££££ signs :-D

NVQ 2 in Health & Social Care is now complete and looking forward to being officially 'qualified'. Been a long time since I was at school and I am rather proud of myself.

Had a fab birthday this week and my family, friends and work colleagues spoilt me rotten. Thanks everyone. Love you all loads <3 xx

Times have changed

2011-03-13T16:07:00.003Z

Hello dear blog...... I was thinking today how times have changed and how time does not stand still. I am 34 a week Monday and its blooming scary. It only seems like yesterday I was still at school and only yesterday I held my first born son in my arms..... now fast forward and my eldest son is 15 at the end of the month.. OMG how did that happen?? Did I fall into a deep sleep and time pass me by??? Nope, just getting old I guess.

I have my NVQ 2 Health & Social Care observation on Tuesday and I am more than just a little nervous.... I think terrified sums it up.

Now the boys are growing up, I am seriously contemplating a career in nursing. I would absolutely love to be a midwife or paramedic. Its possible now after all. Ummmm I wonder.

I am restless. Bored of the same old. Need to think about the future now. The kids are growing up and soon they will leave the nest. Then what??? Scary.... Very scary indeed. I need to feel excited, challenged and have an outlook. Dont get me wrong I am very grateful for what I have but I need more. I have not really been able to be me for some years now as others depended on me for everything. Now they dont however.... so now what???!!!???

I have been a very good girl today. I went and did my bit by donating blood. It has been 10 years this year that I started giving blood.... Wow..... an achievement. I am also on the bone marrow register and hope that I can help if the need arises.

From tomorrow I need to make some more changes. Wish me luck.

Happy Sunday peeps..... where did the weekend go????

Life and Lessons

2011-03-10T21:43:00.003Z

I have decided I need to be me more...... with me, what you see is what you get. I have learned to treat people as I want to be treated myself but at the same time I have learned the phrase 'if you cant beat them, join them'.

My family are the most important people in my life. I have some true friends who are there for me always, through thick and thin, through the good and the bad. Others do not matter and are of no significance.

I am blessed with many good things. There are things in my life that need changing and there are things in my life that require acceptance.... they can not be changed as much as I would love that to happen.

I no longer put up with second best. I need to please no-one. I have learned how to please me and make me happy. I love and adore the people that matter. I am mentally stronger than I have been in a very long time. Mental illness has affected me but will never beat me.

Tonight I am knackered. Since our poor beloved puss Fudge died at less than 1 year old I have not been sleeping very well at night. The visions are stuck, deep in my head. Such a shame that my little 8 year old witnessed such an awful thing. I hope the bast@rd that didn't stop sleeps well at night (not). Poor Fudge.... RIP baby cat :'(

Well done to my hubby Daniel who is working on his demons.... proud of you hubby, you can do this. Elliott is working on his 'anger' ... Again well done son, proud of you. Aaron is doing fab. GCSE's are aged 13 and 14.... Brainbox hey! Proud of you as well son. Lewis is so gorgeous. What you see is what you get and I love him loads also and proud too. Being a mum to 3 wonderful sons is a blessing and a gift.... so grateful and proud <3 xxxx

Night night fellow bloggers. Sweet dream xxx

Karma - What goes around comes around..

2011-02-18T23:03:00.002Z

I have decided to take a stand. There are some very important people in my life but there are also people that I have the misfortune to come into contact with - some on a daily basis and some very rarely who are not worth my time or effort. They are selfish, self absorbed idiotic people who think life revolves around them and they have to be the centre of attention always. They are strange people to say the least and seem to thrive on point scoring and causing others problems.

I am so glad that I am a big believer in karma - what goes around most definately comes around. You can choose your friends and I am happy with the ones I choose to be around and spend my time with. I am glad to be rid of the people that have bought me down. You can't choose your family but you can decide which ones are worth your time and effort and which ones are not. Again I have made my choices.

I am toughening up and I really couldn't give a toss about the stupid people I have had the misfortune to cross paths with.

To all those that matter - thank you for being an important part of my life. For the rest - goodbye. You never featured and you never will. Amen.

Organisation is my word for the weekend!

Michelle x

Happy Birthday to Elliott

2011-02-12T23:52:00.002Z

Wow 13 today... where has that time gone. My middle man is so grown up already. Happy birthday son, so proud of you. You are a wonderful young man who lights up my life. Glad you have had a good day xxx

End of February Goal

2011-02-08T21:43:00.002Z

If I can lose 7lbs by the end of Feb then I am going to have my lip pierced.... Goal number 1......

All Work & No Play.... Needing A Few More Hours A Day.....

2011-01-31T21:44:00.005Z

Does anyone know where I can find an extra 8 hours a day??? Seriously I just can not cram everything in at the moment.

On a positive note I have done about 85% of my NVQ homework and am so excited about getting my award in March. I am rather pleased with myself. I cant believe how much things have changed the past few months. I am a Line Manager that is studying for her NVQ in Health & Social Care. Yipeeeeeeee.

My mum told me that she "likes the new Michelle much better than the old one" and I have to agree with her. I am a strong, independent woman at last. I can survive the hard times and they have made me stronger. I know who and what is important in my life and that is what matters. I have strengths and I have weaknesses but I am human and I am proud of who I am.

I cant believe that it is 10 years tomorrow since my beloved Grandma Peggy passed away. Oh how I miss her (and Grandma Joan and Grandad of course). I so wish they could have met all my boys and seen them growing up along with Grace, Sophie and Nathan. I am sure they are still with us, watching over us. The little reminders and coincidences make me feel they are here with us. I miss them immensely.

Life is too short. Value what you have, appreciate your life and the things you are blessed with . For the things that don't work for you, change them. For the things that cant be changed learn acceptance. Don't waste time on things and people that don't matter. Most importantly be yourself and proud of who you are. Don't change for anyone!

The song Affirmation says it all for me... The lyrics are as follows:-

I believe the sun should never set upon an argument
I believe we place our happiness in other people's hands
I believe that junk food tastes so good because it's bad for you
I believe your parents did the best job they knew how to do
I believe that beauty magazines promote low self esteem
I believe I'm loved when I'm completely by myself alone

I believe in Karma what you give is what you get returned
I believe you can't appreciate real love until you've been burned
I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side
I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye

I believe you can't control or choose your sexuality
I believe that trust is more important than monogamy
I believe that your most attractive features are your heart and soul
I believe that family is worth more than money or gold
I believe the struggle for financial freedom is unfair
I believe the only ones who disagree are millionaires

I believe in Karma what you give is what you get returned
I believe you can't appreciate real love until you've been burned
I believe the grass is more greener on the other side
I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye

I believe forgiveness is the key to your unhappiness
I believe that wedded bliss negates the need to be undressed
I believe that God does not endorse TV evangelists
I believe in love surviving death into eternity

I believe in Karma what you give is what you get returned
I believe you can't appreciate real love until you've been burned
I believe the grass is more greener on the other side
I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye

Organisational Skills..... Ooops !!!

2011-01-20T22:14:00.003Z

Goodness me I really need to organise myself and get the work life / home life balance. There are officially 24 hours in a day and I could do with another 10 at least.... seriously....... this is not good!

I so need to get myself organised and prioritise more! I cant complete the complete u-turn from having far too many 'spare' hours in a day to not having even 5 minutes to catch my breath....

I intend to spend this weekend getting organised and I shall be attempting to get some routine and order (well that's the plan anyway).

I need to organise the following (in no particular order):-

Work life
Home life
NVQ/Study time
Quality time with the kids
Daniel & Me time
Me time
Diet and nutrition
Exercise
Dog walking time
Housework/chores time
Relaxation (yeah right... well one can dream at least)
Time for the other people who are important in my life

I need to stop the following (again in no particular order):-

Trying to please all of the people all of the time
Being so hard on myself
Over analysing
Thinking (yeah right)
Being so serious
Blaming myself for every single thing that goes wrong in the world
Trying to change everything all at once (and overnight)

I need to learn:-

Patience
Understanding
Perseverance
Relaxation techniques
To stop being so pessimistic
To stop meeting trouble halfway
To live a little (a lot !!! )
To put myself first more

So as you can tell from the all of the above, I have a rather large task ahead of me this weekend. I am hoping to shut myself off from the world for a bit and concentrate! Wish me luck - I have a feeling I am going to need it.

Nathan James Rabone xxx

2011-01-12T20:34:00.008Z

Welcome to the world baby Nathan James Rabone. Born by cesarean section on Wednesday 12th January 2011 at 00:56 weighing 9lbs 9oz.

Congratulations to my sister Lisa and brother in law Antony.... Miracles do happen!!!

Feeling Good Right Now

2011-01-09T20:30:00.003Z

I have had a fab week and weekend. My sister's waters broke last night and so I am due to be an auntie again real soon! She is going in to be induced tomorrow as she is not having any contractions and she has protein in her urine and slightly high blood pressure. I did not sleep last night and am so apprehensive but I cant wait until baby Nathan is here. It has been one hell of a journey and I am made up for my sister and brother in law. I took for granted the blessing of motherhood and I thank my lucky stars daily for 3 healthy and wonderful sons. I am so very happy that Lisa is going to experience those feelings really soon. Mum and I are going to be up the hospital tomorrow and will not be moving until Master Rabone makes his entrance into this world!

Good luck Lisa and Antony - love you guys loads xxx

I am going to be getting my very own car next week and I am so excited. I have never got over parting with my beloved astra estate and I am going to be getting another one. A 51 reg.... yipeeee... Cant wait.

Work is going fab. I am loving it so much. I am in my element. I am still studying for my NVQ 2 in Health and Social Care along with an NSPCC City & Guilds qualification. I am a Line Manager. The industry is amazing. I stayed late on Friday because I wanted to get ahead on the rotas, so I could be off and spend time with my sister when she is in labour and I got it down from 13 pages to 1 page. I am so proud of myself :-)

Life is a blessing and things are looking good. This year is going to be good. I have a feeling. I am stronger, more positive and realised that life is for living and we only live once.

Now my weight problem to deal with and I will have complete control. Amen to that!

muse feeling good lyrics

2011-01-07T23:28:00.000Z

Says it all right now... Its a new dawn. Its a new day. Its a new life for me.... and I'm feeling good :-)

Bruno Mars - Grenade [Official Music Video]

2011-01-07T23:23:00.000Z

Love this song!!!!!

Roll on 2011

2010-12-29T17:52:00.003Z

Hello dear blog,

Sorry I have abandoned you yet again but now I am back.

Roll on 2011 is all I have to say. This year has been trying to say the least but I have a feeling 2011 is going to be the year of change and positivity. Having said that right now I am confused.com. I am not too sure where my life is heading.

I am however sure of one thing. The people that have always been there never falter to amaze me. Their inspiration, strength and wise words carry my through. I know who is important and I know who is not. I know what matters and what doesn't. I am getting stronger and I am getting a backbone in life. I am a good person and I will be happy. It is just gonna take time. What doesn't kill us can only make us stronger and what goes around most definitely will come around!

So good riddance to 2010 (with the exception of a couple of good things - my baby niece, Sophie is one good thing and the news my sister in going to a mum in early 2011 is the other).

Goodbye to 2010. Hello 2011... Counting down the hours......

Happy New Year fellow bloggers, may all your hopes and dreams come true xx

Looking Forward To Partying Tomorrow Night

2010-12-08T21:15:00.003Z

It is the Care Worker's party tomorrow night and the office are hosting.... I cant wait..... It is going to be great fun! It gives us the chance to meet with our team and have a good laugh. We are going to have having karaoke, drinks, snacks and lots of music :-) Bring it on..... And I'm not driving so can chill with a few vino's..... whoop whoop.....

Katy Perry - Firework Lyrics - Love it!!!

2010-12-08T21:14:00.000Z

A Difficult Few Weeks

2010-12-05T19:21:00.006Z

Well I changed my mind about making my blog private... why the devil should I..... Having said that I am sorry I have been away but I have a very difficult few weeks.

It has been eventful to say the least:

* Daniel and I split up but we are working through things so hopefully all will be ok.

* We have been told Lewis probably has Aspergers.

* My mum has to spend the next 3 weeks at Meadow House Hospice to have her legs bandaged daily with the exception of Wednesdays and the weekend. I hate MS so much!!

There is some positive things going on as well though......

* Baby Sophie is 8 weeks old on Tuesday.

* It is Lisa and Antony's baby shower on Saturday 11th December - which is just under 4 weeks until baby Nathan is due. Somehow I don't think he is going to wait until the 10th January which is his due date to make an appearance. I think Lisa might pop.

* I am still loving my job - I love being a Manager and I think I am living up to the challenge! I am working towards my NVQ level 2 and am doing an NSPCC diploma....

* I am enjoying my little Ebay business.... it is fun!

Now I just need to get some organisation and work on the things that are a problem and cause me distress.

I am also feeling rather emotional as Aaron (who is 15 in March) is beginning 2 weeks work experience tomorrow.... where have almost 15 years gone???? Scary!!!!!

What I am beginning to realise (albeit slowly) is that we only live once. I want to take chances and have some fun... Why not... there is nothing to lose and only things to gain..... I even tried smoking in the week.... it's not for me though. I would rather have a glass of wine lol.

Well bye bye for now xx

The WANTED - Lose My Mind (Full Song with Lyrics & Pictures)

2010-11-21T21:02:00.000Z

The words are so fitting right now.....

Bye Bye For Now

2010-11-21T19:53:00.002Z

Hi dear blog,

There is so much going on at the moment and for now I need to make my blog private. I need to be able to write down my feelings and for them to be just for me to read and reflect.... I will be back but for now I need some space and thinking time....

Dear followers - please feel free to leave me your email address(es) so that I can keep in touch as for now I need a little time away from here and to be able to get my head in order!!!

I shall leave my blog open for the next 24 hours but from there I will be making it private.

Wishing you all every happiness for the future and thank you for following me xxx

Robbie Williams-Come Undone With Lyrics

2010-11-15T21:10:00.000Z

So true!

On Top Of The World

2010-11-09T22:32:00.004Z

I am so happy right now. I am loving my job - it is the best job I have ever had. I am loving my family - each and every one of them. I am loving my true friends - you know who you are. Life is good. No, life is amazing! Lewis is spending the 3rd night in a row in his own room. Asperger's will not win - he is an amazing young man - extra special. I am so proud to have 3 gorgeous, beautiful and wonderful sons :-)

I am truely blessed and appreciate everything I hold dear in my life.

I am content. I am winning. The mountain is not so steep and problems are fading away. We are united. The sky is no longer grey. Life is for living. That what doesn't kill us can only make us stronger. We can choose to worry and be depressive or we can choose to live life to the full and embrace life - the good and the bad. I am choosing to live my life. I am happy. I can not and will not be held back. We live once!

Pixie Lott Releases 'Get Weak' - Charity Single For Beatbullying...

2010-11-08T22:00:00.002Z

I suffered extreme mental and physical pain from the age of 13 at secondary school due to mindless, idiotic bullies. Bullies are cowards, nothing more. It has affected me deeply and still leaves a scar to this day. We need to beat bullying once and for all. I will not give their names as I would not give them the satisfaction. I believe in karma however. What goes around comes around.

Toughening Up

2010-11-07T19:38:00.003Z

I am beginning to toughen up and not before time. I realise what is important and what is not and will not bothered by insignificant things / problems any longer.

I love my family, I love my job, I love the dear friends that I hold dear. I appreciate and value the small things in life that other people take for granted.

I am not letting people get to me anymore. I am giving my time and effort to the people and important things that matter.

I am me. Take me or leave me.

I am what I am. I am what you see. I am not two faced. I treat people as I wish to be treated myself. I forgive once, never twice. I love and am loved. My family are my life. There is nothing I wouldn't do for them. I am immensely proud of them, each and all.

Thank you to those people I hold dear. Thank you for my memories and I cherish every minute of every day. We never know what is around the corner. Live each day as if it is your last and never take one whole second for granted.

If you wish to cross the boundaries, prepare for the consequences. Look in the mirror and like what you see. If you don't, then take responsibility and make the changes necessary to enhance your life and those around you.

Amen to that!

Aspergers

2010-11-04T20:50:00.002Z

Feeling a bit sad and down tonight. It is most likely that Lewis has Asperger's syndrome which is an ASD - autism spectrum disorder. I feel kind of numb. I have known it for a while now and I have fought to find out what the problem was and get additional support. Finally today I have been told that I was right all along. Mothers intuition is a powerful thing. I knew it!

In my opinion it just makes my little man extra special but bless him, bless him muchly xxx

Not feeling happy today

2010-11-03T21:17:00.002Z

I am not having a good day today. I am feeling a bit down in the dumps and very tired.

Certain people are driving me up the wall and my fuse is shortening fast!

I am worried about my mum and I hate MS with such a passion.............. I miss being able to do normal things with my mum. I love her so much........ I am so jealous of people that do things with their parents with the ability to take things for granted... Walking to the shops, having a girly day etc etc. She has to have her legs bandaged 4 times a week throughout December at Meadow House in Ealing Hospital. I hope it helps and I hope it helps take the pain and discomfort away. God damn MS.

It would have been my Grandma Joan's birthday on Friday (5th November) and I am missing my grandparents so much at the moment. I wish they were still here with us.

Perhaps I am over tired tonight. Well off to bed now. Tomorrow is another day and hopefully a more positive one!

Change Is A Foot

2010-10-31T21:16:00.002Z

Monday is the beginning of a new week and the beginning of making the changes that are needed.

Positive mental attitude, perserverance, one step at a time, long term changes....

Watch this space :-)

Adele - Make You Feel My Love

2010-10-26T23:11:00.001+01:00

Lovin'this song.....

Happy, Happy, Happy

2010-10-26T21:04:00.004+01:00

I am so very happy. Life is good (touch wood) and things are going from strength to strength. I am blessed to have many wonderful people in my life, who mean more than words could ever say.

I feel like I am back to myself after a long and hard while. Thank you to everyone who has stuck by me and made me smile even when it didn't seem possible. I love you xx

Happy 14th wedding anniversary to my gorgeous husband Daniel. The year of Ivory. You are my light, my love and my soul mate. You make every day worthwhile and I love you dearly :-)

Daniel and I are going away for the weekend for our anniversary. He has been busy planning. I am looking forward to spending quality time just me and him, a rare occurrence!

Off out on the town

2010-10-22T18:44:00.001+01:00

Whoop whoop so excited. I am off to the Slug and Lettuce in Staines tonight with work. It should be good fun. One of my colleagues is leaving to work at head office so we are all getting together - operational staff and care support staff. It should be an interesting night!

I am just chilling with a glass of wine before heading off out............. perfect end to a manic week!

Ebay

2010-10-14T22:26:00.003+01:00

OMG, I am officially in love with Ebay!!!! Seriously it is amazing and I could spend all my time and energy on there..... I have made some money recently and bought some fab items at amazing prices....

What I am confused about is what we did before the likes of the Internet, mobile phones, instant messaging, Ebay etc etc..... Was life boring??? I cant remember. Sometimes my whole communication seems to be via the computer..... amazing but quite scary!!!

My gorgeous hubby has spoilt me rotten by getting me the most beautiful Sony Vaio laptop and he is planning a romantic night away for our wedding anniversary at the end of the month. He is a wonderful man and I am blessed to have him in my life, along with our three wonderful boys.

Life is superb right now and I feel on top of the world............

Welcome To The World Baby Sophie

2010-10-12T21:45:00.005+01:00

I am delighted to announce the birth of my gorgeous little niece Sophie Elizabeth Gerard born at 1305 today weighing 7lbs 13oz. She is absolutely adorable. Well done to Richard and Mel. Love you loads xxxx

A Need For Routine And Fast

2010-10-08T18:55:00.003+01:00

Life is just so busy nowadays that I am struggling to fit everything in. As much as I try to get routine it just aint happening. I have made a promise to myself that this weekend I am going to spend the whole time getting organised. I have to get a routine. I also have to do my NVQ homework.... I feel a bit of a hypocrite going onto the kids about the importance of doing their homework when I am not leading by example... maybe I need to ground myself for a week ;-) - well I can dream anyway he he he.

So this is my list of organisation that I need to concentrate on the weekend:-

1) Routine and regularity with the kids
2) Work organisation - prioritise
3) Regulate food/diet and exercise
4) Routine around the house
5) Time management!
6) Financial planning - current and future
7) Hopes, goals, aims and aspirations

My whole weekend is going to be spent putting things in order and organising myself.

We are hoping that Mel and Richard are going to welcome their new daughter into the world very soon as Mel is almost due now and looks fit to burst. It would be cool if she is born on Sunday as this would be the 10th of the 10th 2010 (10/10/10). Time will tell. I have just got back from my mum and dads and Grace was there full of smiles and happiness. She is growing up so lovely and it makes me feel so broody. There are some beautiful baby clothes around and I miss holding a little baby... I miss the smell..... I wish sometimes I could have another baby. Having said that I think it is time to concentrate fully on my career and enjoy my nieces and nephews before we have grandchildren to look after..... at least we can hand them back. I'm not sure I could do night feeds all over again.

Mum has her appointment at the Lymphedema clinic on Thursday next week. I really hope that they can find some way of helping her. It is highly unfair that they can fly people to the moon but they cant find a way to control the pain and problems of Multiple Sclerosis. It is a cruel, cruel disease and I hate it. I hope and pray that they find a cure and soon. I have dreams at night that mum is cured and gets her life back. Oh how I wish it was not just a dream but a reality. MS ruins lives. If they cant find a cure, I wish they could find a way to take the pain away - for mum and for all of us.

On a weight loss front I am still frustrated and highly confused. I am not sure I am every gonna get it and understand the long term changes I need to make. For now I am concentrating on the one step at a time approach. I am trying to change too much too quickly and its not working.

Life is feeling mighty fine

2010-09-29T21:04:00.003+01:00

I am feeling on top of the world and it is feeling mighty fine.

I am blessed with many wonderful things and life is feeling good.

Life has changed from an uphill struggle to positivity in every single way. I am loving my life, I am loving my family and the future is looking happy and bright.

I am in control and it feels fab.

Thank you to all those who are always here for me. You mean so much to me, for different reasons.

My husband and my mum are my soul mates. My children are my inspiration. My family mean more to me than anything in this world and I thank my lucky stars for the blessings I hold dear.

Feeling Overwhelmed

2010-09-28T19:52:00.002+01:00

I am feeling rather overwhelmed ATM. There is just not enough hours in the day and I am holding my hands up to feeling completely out of sorts. I am finding it hard to get the work/life balance. I wish I could get a routine and I wish I could sort the other aspects of my life out that need work. Daniel says 'one step at a time' and I guess he is right but some things need my urgent attention and short of by some miracle gaining a few hours a day I am not sure how to make the changes.... perhaps I am just tired....... who knows.

Aries - My Birth Sign

2010-09-23T19:47:00.001+01:00

I have my Mojo back.... yeah baby

2010-09-23T19:24:00.002+01:00

I have my mojo back and it feels mighty good......

I began my NVQ 2 in Health & Social Care on Tuesday and today I did NSPCC training. I am so happy with my career change and finally life is getting better (touch wood). I have held 2 appraisals in the last couple of days and being a 'Line Manager' is something that I am really enjoying. The only disadvantage is that for the foreseeable future I will not have a social life at all and each day will consist of work, homework and sleep... and of course finding time to spend quality time with my family.

I am looking forward to being an Auntie again in the next couple of weeks and then again in January. It is about time some good things happened to our family and finally the sun is shining again.

Being in the 'Care Industry' has made me realise just how lucky I am and how important embracing life is. We only live once and we should value that and live it to the full.

OCD Is Sneaky But Not That Clever

2010-09-18T19:39:00.002+01:00

I had a realisation today! I thought I had managed to beat the OCD bully that has been a massive part of my life for far too long but I have come to see that it is still there lurking in the background, waiting to attack and get the upper hand. I have had a nightmare few days and the OCD bully has tried to get one over on me and I must admit it has succeeded in some ways but I am bigger and stronger than it and is as I have insight....... It is Michelle 1 and OCD 0... whoop whoop.

I have got myself organised today and I am looking forward to going banger racing with my family tomorrow.

I know I have issues and now I need to deal with them.

Note To Self: Toughen Up and Stop Being a Wimp!!!

2010-09-14T19:54:00.002+01:00

Arrrrggggghhhhhhhh, even I annoy myself sometimes.

I am 33 years old and am still not able to be 'assertive'. How come I can be a complete bitch to the people who mean the most yet shake like a jelly when confrontation comes my way. This is not good, not good at all. I need to toughen up and fast.

However, that said, it is much easier said than done to change 33 years overnight. I wish I was more assertive and I wish I was not so sensitive. I would not spend so much of my life trying to fit in and feeling anxious which would be a good thing.

I am completely and utterly f**ked off with worrying what other people think of me and being scared of my own shadow. I am an individual, I have feelings. I live by the motto treat people how you want to be treated yourself but right now I am thinking this is complete and utter bollocks! Other people don't hold the same view so I am thinking it is about time I lived like them. I should be looking after the people that matter to me, not the idiotic people who mean nothing. Amen to that.

As you may be able to tell I have had a completely rubbish day. Thank goodness it is nearly bedtime. Lets hope tomorrow is a better day!

I could sleep for a year.. maybe more

2010-09-11T23:05:00.002+01:00

Another positive week and I am still feeling on top of the world!!

Work is going fantastic and I am absolutely loving it. I can not wait to begin my NVQ training at the end of the month. Finally life is coming together and I have plans, hopes and aspirations.

Having said that I do feel I could sleep for a year .... maybe even more! Things are soooooooooo busy that each day is flying past before me and I am not catching up yet lol.

I have been busy planning Richard and Mel's baby shower which we are hosting tomorrow (Sunday). It is going to be such fun and I have some hilarious games sorted... complete with prizes.

I can't wait to be an auntie again. I am sooooooo excited. Mel is due in less than a month Lisa is due on the 10th January. So another baby shower to plan for December but this time for Lisa and Antony. Lisa is now feeling the baby move, amazing, a miracle!

Next on my agenda is to beat the weight problem that I have had nearly all of my life. Years of yo-yo dieting has taken its toll on my body and I now realise that for my body to be my temple I have to treat it as such. I am expecting it to be at least a month before my body starts to trust me again but I am going to do this. I want to and I need to. I am dangerously overweight and I am very unfit. I want to be around to see my children become mature and wonderful men and to see my grandchildren.

I am hoping to have some counselling at the end of the month to assist me in dealing with some of the issues I have...

So there is no looking back. A line has been drawn and I am in the zone. Watch this space. The false starts have ended. The future begins here!

I can't believe that 9 years ago today the twin towers were demolished in a terrorist attack. I still remember the day that happened and it stills feel like yesterday. RIP all those who lost their lives and thoughts and prayers with the family and friends of all of them.

I hate MS

2010-09-08T22:45:00.002+01:00

I really, really, really hate MS. This stands for Multiple Sclerosis for any of you who dont know. I hate what it does, I hate how it makes things and I hate that it has made my mum ill :-( Nothing more to say.

A Positive Change

2010-09-03T23:10:00.002+01:00

I had a meeting at work today and I have been told I am doing really well. I am already holding appraisals and supervisions and am beginning to find my feet. I am really pleased with myself that I have been employed in a Managerial role and am coping really well. Now I just need to get the work / home life balance right. I am hoping that upon the kids returning to school properly on Monday things will become easier and routine will follow.

I am hoping to have a relaxing weekend - although I need to catch up on some serious housework!!!

I am a little limited in what I can and cant do at the moment because of the burn to my arm and the bandage around it. I really want a long soak in the bath but I cant yet :-(

Feeling sorry for myself

2010-09-01T21:03:00.002+01:00

Just got back from the walk in centre. I burned myself at the weekend on the oven and it is infected. It is a rather nasty burn. I thought it might be as it didn't hurt when I did it and it blistered almost immediately. So now I have antibiotics for 5 days and a bandage for at least 10 days :-(

So given that I have stitches in my hand and now a burn on the other arm, I am feeling a tad sorry for myself.

I have been so busy that I think I have got myself run down and susceptible to infection.

I didn't finish work until 18:45 tonight and there are just not enough hours in the day. So finally tonight I am going to sit down and have a glass of wine and try to relax. There is lots of illness in the family at the moment, I think it is all taking its toll. Come on please, we need some positivity again.

Two things I have learned about myself if I am not tough enough and I am not kind enough to myself...... food for thought!

Life is looking fab

2010-08-29T16:43:00.003+01:00

Wow it shows I am so busy at the moment. I am not even getting time to update my blog regularly.

I am still feeling rather positive and learning to accept myself more.

The past couple of weeks have been completely manic. I am loving the new job. I must be doing something right to be a 'Line Manager'. Now I just need to toughen up a bit and believe in myself more... one step at a time hey!

I am going to be starting my NVQ Level 2 at the end of September and I cant wait. Suddenly life doesn't seem so repetitive. As much as I love the boys, I feel that this is the time for me. They are growing up and I am so very proud of them. They don't need mummy so much nowadays, so it seems only fair that I can now concentrate on me and building a career. Each and every one of our boy's are amazing. They are growing up so wonderfully (don't get me wrong they have their moments but don't they all lol). They are respectful and confident young men and I love them more than words could ever say!!!! Aaron has been sitting GCSE exams in year 9 (2 years early) so very clearly he has his mums brains he he he..... or maybe he has his dads brains and mums looks lol ;) xx

I treated myself to a blackberry last week... as it is my first payday in the new job and it is wicked!! Every gadget girls dream.

I am proud of the fact that despite having 3 kids I have worked throughout with a gap of only 1 month. I hope we are teaching them that to have the good things in life, you have to work for them. Not only does it teach you to value what you have, it is about self respect - something very important!

I have 2 stitches in my thumb at the moment which will teach me for not watching what I was doing when washing up my cup at work. I have to wait until Friday to have them out :-(

Today has been a lovely day. Now I am working away from home, I really value my weekends! We went to 'Apps Farm Car Boot Sale' this morning and I got some really good bargains. Then Aaron and I went food shopping - hence the roast beef slowly cooking in the oven and Daniel, Elliott and Lewis have gone banger racing to Fleet. I am looking forward to spending a lovely evening together later with good food and a few glasses of vino.

On a diet front I am doing ok but am not pushing myself. One thing at a time. Work is taking up the majority of my time and luckily I am not getting chance to pick or snack as I am not working from home anymore. My decision about the band was made up the day before we went on holiday. After 1 year of appointments, I have been told that the NHS wont fund the op - unless I want a gastric bypass which is far too drastic and not for me! This has opened my eyes to the fact that I (and I alone) can and will do this MYSELF. I have done it before and can do it again. I am going to make a complaint to the local PCT however as they have well and truly led me up the garden path. My motto of everything happens for a reason comes into play here and I really believe that something (or someone) has been trying to tell me this is not the right way to go and I would be silly not to listen to that. Luckily (touch wood) I have not had to have a general anaesthetic before but given the problems my mum had in the past, maybe, just maybe this is a higher being telling me to be careful.... god help me if I NEED to have a general anaesthetic any time in the future.

I heard some very sad news this week. A good friend of mine's nephew was diagnosed with a brain tumour and had emergency surgery for about 8 hours. He is paralysed down the right hand side and has lost his sight and speech. He is only two years old. I pray to god that they can make him better. Thankfully it is not cancerous but the road ahead is going to be long and difficult. I hope and pray for them all and I hope they do know that we are here for them day and night.

So that's all really. I am appreciating life a lot more and embracing the chances I have been given.

I will keep you posted dear blog :-) xxx

What a week

2010-08-14T17:53:00.002+01:00

Hi dear blog. Sorry to have neglected you but I have had such a busy week. I have decided to move my blog back to public as I have my own diary now so this is different.

I am loving my new job and finally life seems to be cutting a bit of slack. I am truly happy :-)

I am saddened by the news that 2 youngsters from G.V/Bedfont have died this week however. Sad, sad times. I thank my lucky stars that I am blessed with a happy and healthy family. I pray to god that no matter what problems they experience, they find it within themselves to be able to talk to me. I will always be here for them, through the good, the bad, the tough and the smooth. I pray they know that they are not alone and can always to talk to us about anything and everything. I love them so very much and can not even begin to imagine what these poor kids parents are going through right now. God only takes the best and through death they will live an eternal life in the next chapter. RIP and god bless.

My whole outlook on life has changed this week and I am wondering what took me so long for the career change. Suddenly I have realised how much more there is to life than people who shout and scream that their car is 5 minutes late. My reply to them from this moment forward is live a little and open your eyes.

So to all of us out there - embrace your life and value what you hold dear. Life is short and life is precious. Amen to that.

Until next time dear blog.... night night x

My Blog

2010-08-06T11:11:00.003+01:00

After careful consideration, I have decided to make my blog private. It is not because of anyone of anything but because I originally set up my blog to be my own personal diary/blog but I am not really using it for that purpose. I shall keep it set to 'public' until Sunday evening and then I am going to restrict it. If there is anyone reading this who would like to keep in contact and keep updated with how things are going then please drop me a message and I will add your email address to my address book to keep in contact that way.

Thanks everyone for reading and following my journey, it has been much appreciated and wishing each and every one of you every happiness and success for your future x

An amazing holiday

2010-08-05T23:11:00.003+01:00

Arrived back from Santa Ponsa in Spain today and am feeling so chilled and relaxed. What an amazing time. Good times, good company, rest, relaxation and fun, fun, fun. Oh and a nice sun tan too :-) Its nice to be back in our own bed and have a good old fashioned cuddle though..... single beds on holiday are definitely not designed for romance lol. The cats have missed us and we have missed them too. We don't pick Tyler up until tomorrow.

Saw my sister today and she is looking amazing.... her little bump is growing and she is so happy. They had their sexing scan on Saturday and have discovered they are having a gorgeous baby boy. They are going to name him Nathan James Rabone, which I think is beautiful. We would name a 4th boy Ethan. Nathan is very similar.

I am looking forward to seeing my mum, dad, brother, Mel and Grace tomorrow. I have spoken to them every day I have been away but I miss them all the same. Mum has not been too well, so I hope she is feeling better tomorrow.

Daniel and I are hoping to have a tattoo done tomorrow which should be fun.

Ok dear blog, off to bed now. It has been a long day and I am rather knackered.

Busy, Busy, Busy - Just the way I like it

2010-07-26T22:46:00.002+01:00

Well my first day in my new job went well.... happy already :-)

It is such a lovely company. There is official training and real prospects. I am going to be managing people and co-ordinating - how good am I. I am even hoping to do an NVQ in Health & Social Care.

So I have got 2 more days of training before we head off on holiday and then I shall be training for 3 solid days upon my return.

I am totally and completely knackered this evening which is only to be expected but things are looking up. I have something to concentrate on now and feel that I am just beginning the start of a new and rewarding career.... yipeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!

The Wanted - All Time Low with lyrics

2010-07-24T17:40:00.000+01:00

Lovin' the words to this song

The Wanted - All Time Low (Official)

2010-07-24T17:36:00.000+01:00

Client Care Co-Ordinator

2010-07-23T19:46:00.003+01:00

I am now officially a Client Care Co-Ordinator whoop whoop......

I got the job and am soooooooo happy. This is a complete career change for me and I am over the moon. I can finally building a career for me and do something that will make a difference to the people I work for and with :-) This is the first job interview I went for and is proof that I can do something when I put my mind to it... Fantastic!!! I can go on holiday in 6 days time knowing that I have a job to return to and my family can continue to have the things they want and deserve :-) Yipeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

The only thing I am upset about is that I will have to change WW meetings and will no longer have Bonnie as a leader - she is lovely and I will miss her greatly - but we can't have everything we want, as wonderful as that would be.

2lbs lost

2010-07-21T18:33:00.003+01:00

Yipeeeee lost 2lbs at my weight in yesterday :-) Went ice skating with Elliott today followed by a pub lunch which was great fun, even if I did fall over twice causing injuries (mainly to my pride) :-( I have a 2nd interview on Friday for the job I really want so fingers (and toes) crossed. Gonna chill tonight with a glass or two of wine and a takeaway - think I shall have a chicken kebab which is rather healthy. If I go over my points, I shall scrape them up over the next few days. 8 days now till our holiday and almost ready. Just got to do the packing and then its sun, sea and sangria all the way.

Angry Anderson - Suddenly (1987)

2010-07-19T11:21:00.000+01:00

Love this song.. true eighties :-)

Tired, tired, tired

2010-07-18T18:26:00.003+01:00

Gonna chill and read a book for a while with a book whilst my gorgeous hubby cooks dinner (omelette's, oven chips and beans - yum yum) and then I am going to go to bed VERY early. I have been going to bed early for the past week but as I am waking up about 15-20 times a night and not getting a good sleep, I am still bloody knackered. As I have been to the gym today and for a swim yesterday, I think I have earned an early night.

Lewis is on a school trip tomorrow so I need to be up extra early (I don't do mornings lol).

Had a bad day today, far too moody (sorry family).

I am hoping to find out about the job I applied for in Shepperton tomorrow - I really hope I get it as it seems brilliant and a total change of career. Only concern is that it is full time but I am sure we can work around this. I have a job interview on Tuesday at the Royal Holloway University, so fingers crossed, I find something soon! I am not worrying too much until after our holiday but I hate being a stay at home mum. It is not something I have ever been and don't ever want to be. I like having a few extra pennies and I like being able to go shopping. Retail therapy is the solution to everything and I am missing it :-(

Gym and Mental Health

2010-07-18T15:32:00.002+01:00

Did a 45 minute workout in the gym today. I did 15 minutes on the exercise bike, 20 minutes on the treadmill, 5 minutes on the rowing machine and 5 minutes of weights. Feeling tired but glad I went. I hope it shows on the scales on Tuesday morning.

OCD has reared its ugly head a little today. It hit me by complete surprise and has made me realise I have become too complacent. I need to address this by practising the CBT I spent time in therapy learning as well as looking after myself more - this means continuing to eat healthy as well as practising some relaxation techniques and by not STRESSING so much.... I need to make sure I kick it into touch before it gets a grip.

Exercise....

2010-07-17T17:28:00.003+01:00

I am feeling rather chuffed with myself. I made my way to Feltham Airparcs Leisure Centre to workout in the gym only to be told that due to a power failure the leisure centre was closed (they are renovating the whole centre) but rather than use that as my excuse for not exercising for the day - which is exactly what I would have done in the past, I decided to go to Sunbury Leisure Centre for a swim and am very pleased as I did 30 lengths of the pool. I feel rather proud of myself if I do say so myself. What made it even more enjoyable is that they played loud music which is motivating.... lovin' it, lovin' it, lovin' it........ My favourite smell in the whole wide world is the smell of a swimming pool/chlorine (sad maybe but true)

I have definitely earned my glass or two of rose this evening - and I have even worked the points into my day's allowance.... I have cut down on drinking during the week. I am not giving it up completely as I like a glass of wine and there is no need to give it up. It is my only vice in life, a vice that I enjoy! The good thing with the Weight Watchers diet is you need not give up the things you enjoy, just work them into your lifestyle.

I am really looking forward to our holiday now. I am going out to buy a couple of maxi dresses this week and am hoping to get my hair extended and braided whilst we are away. It will mean sitting still for about 7 hours but will be worth it for sure.

Our Boys

2010-07-17T11:33:00.001+01:00

Our boys :-)

Been thinking

2010-07-17T09:20:00.003+01:00

I have been thinking recently about my 2nd chance rule. I have always given a 2nd chance to people but I have noticed how even with a 2nd chance people take advantage so I am changing this rule to 1 strike only. I am doing this purely because I have come to realise that the genuine people out there only need that 1 chance. It is all about respect, mutual appreciation and understanding. I have come to the realisation that I am too soft. I have spent far too long not wanting to upset other people regardless of the fact that they don't give a flying monkeys about upsetting me. These type of people seem to thrive on dramas and negativity and I don't need that in my life. I am more than happy with the people I choose to spend my time with and the good friendships I have built up over many years and still hold dear to this day. My family are the most important people in my life. I am not the kind of friend that likes to 'hang' out with people on a regular basis, never have been and never will be. I have learned enough about friendship to know you can count true friends on one hand and one hand only. However, over the years I am come to realise that you can count the type of friends that will stab you in the back and treat you like shit on many more hands!

I have not been feeling great the past day or so, rather nauseous and worn out. Definitely need a holiday me thinks!! 12 days and counting... My uncle is coming round to house and pet sit which is cool... he is more clean obsessed than me lol....

I think I may head to the gym for an hour this afternoon if I feel a bit brighter.... if not, I will definitely be going tomorrow.

I am still a bit worried about Lewis - they are running some tests still at school. I have made him an opticians appointment for Tuesday as he is also complaining of blurred vision. I am sure all is ok but being a mum I am rather prone to worrying when it comes to my babies.

I went to Aaron and Elliott's parent consultation meetings at FCC on Thursday. They are doing amazingly well at school. They are hitting their targets and work hard! Aaron has sat some GCSE's this year in Year 9 (2 years ahead of schedule) and they have informed us Elliott will be doing the same! Well done boys, we are very proud of you. Elliott just needs to work on his anger management skills a little now.

My sister is now 14 weeks pregnant and they are considering a sexing scan at BabyBond in Ashford at 16 weeks as this is 4 weeks earlier than the hospital scan... bless her. I thought it was me who was rather impatient.

We went round my mum and dads yesterday and it was so sweet. Grace was cuddling Elliott and Lewis and giving them both kisses... She is so gorgeous. Needless to say I am still very broody.

Mum is finally getting somewhere with her care workers and social services. They are providing equipment that should make her life easier and they will be providing carers for the mornings. She has an ulcer which is being looked after by the district nurses but seems to be healing at last. I hate MS and I hate what it has done to her and all of us as a family. I miss how things were with my mum and dad and I hope and pray that one day they find a cure! I love my mum so much and she is such an inspiration. Through all her pain and suffering, she never complains and is always smiling. She is one of my best friends (Daniel being the other) Shame on all of us that moan and complain at minor problems!

So tired this morning

2010-07-16T08:56:00.004+01:00

Going back to bed this morning for a few hours rest and relaxation ..... I am soooooooooo tired! Going to make the most of it as Aaron and Elliott break up for the summer holidays today and I have a feeling judging by their behaviour yesterday that I am going to be in for a rather stressful few weeks! I am hoping I will have a job soon which will get me out of the house for a bit - hopefully they wont kill each other whilst I am not here! Kids hey!

I have been sticking to my points religiously and doing some exercise so hopefully on Tuesday my hard work will show on the scales. I am taking it slowly, one day at a time and making small changes and working on new habits...

Ok off for my diet coke and a read of the paper before heading back to bed. Bye for now!

Feeling positive & had a really good day today

2010-07-14T21:18:00.003+01:00

Today has been a very good day and very productive. I prefer it when I am organised and I have definitely worked towards that today. We had a lovely roast dinner early evening and then I took Daniel to his market research and while we were waiting for him, myself, Elliott and Lewis went to the park and played badminton and cricket. We also did some power walking.

I am feeling very pleased with myself. I tracked everything I ate today and planned ahead..... Long may it last.

Recently I have been in contact with some wonderful people who have made me see I can realise my dreams. Those people along with the special people who are in my life each and every day are a blessing and they mean a great deal to me :-)

This evening has been great fun and watching the boys laugh and enjoy themselves is the most amazing feeling - a feeling money just can not buy.

Well off to bed soon for me as I am completely worn out.... tomorrow is another day and looking forward to more organisation and planning ahead.

Roast Beef and playtime with the kids.... yum yum

2010-07-14T18:31:00.001+01:00

Had a lovely roast beef dinner and now heading off to the park to play badminton with the kids and go for a nice long walk. I have had a very productive day and life is good....

Magaluf - 2 weeks tomorrow whoop whoop

2010-07-14T09:33:00.004+01:00

2 weeks to go and counting till we are on our holiday to Magaluf whoop whoop cant wait... I cant wait to spend some uninterrupted time with Daniel and the boys and I hope I can get my hair extensions and then braided as I do each time.... ahhhhhhhhhhhhh bliss..............

Feeling much happier

2010-07-13T18:45:00.002+01:00

I think I have dusted myself off finally and I am feeling rather more positive. Chicken New Yorker is cooking in the oven, my wonderful family are happy and healthy and such an important part of my life and I am blessed, truly.

I have had a difficult couple of weeks but I am coming through it. I realise that making changes means taking baby steps and these changes are not going to come together over night. I am truly blessed with a wonderful family including the most gorgeous, happy and healthy three kids ever :-) One of the girls in year 10 (aged 15) at the boys school died at the weekend after hitting her head whilst swimming in a lake and it brings home what is important and what is not. Life is for living and we never know when our time is up. Life is too precious and short to be bothered with things that don't matter. Have no regrets, surround yourself with the people that matter most and do away with negativity.

I am looking forward to becoming an Auntie again in October and January. Two brand new lives entering the world and I love them already. I saw the 4D scan courteousy of Richard and Mel at the weekend and it makes you realise what a miracle and blessing life is.

So from now on you will see a new me. A less negative person, a less sensitive person and a less stressed person. She will be replaced with a more positive person who is going to worry less about other people and more about herself and her family. Amen, enough said!

Sad times

2010-07-12T18:31:00.001+01:00

Is the world going bonkers or am I jinxed???!!??? One of the highrise blocks in Kingston-Upon-Thames where I spent the best days of my childhood is on fire.....bad times :-( I hope and pray no one is injured... What is going on and why does it seem that wherever I am or have been bad things happen? This is not good, not good at all......

Mindset / Frame of mind

2010-07-12T16:58:00.001+01:00

Hello there fellow bloggers..... does anyone have some advise for getting yourself in the right frame of mind / mindset in order to succeed at your weight loss goals, especially if required to be in for the long term?? Any help and advise would be greatly appreciated xxx

Gastric Band vs Traditional Weight Loss

2010-07-10T09:35:00.004+01:00

I used to be indecisive and now i'm not too sure lol ;)

I didn't realise how much support there is out there in the form of Weight Watchers, blogging etc.... I thought I had decided that the only way I would lose weight would be a gastric band after years of yo-yo dieting but in this past week I have had the pleasure of speaking with some wonderful people, many who are in the same boat as me - need to lose similar amounts of weight (and in some cases even more) and are doing so without the need of surgery. I have read multiple stories of people getting to goal after losing in excess of 80lbs - so maybe, just maybe it is achieveable without such drastic measures.... I wonder..... What do you think fellow bloggers??!!??

I have always lived by the saying 'if in doubt, leave it out'.... do I take a chance or stick by that? My heart is telling me one thing but my head another...... food for thought (excuse the pun) me thinks :-)

Loving this weather

2010-07-09T19:30:00.003+01:00

Ohhhhhhh I love this weather.

I think I have finally kicked myself up the arse and am feeling more positive. I think I need to say a very public thank you to by dearly beloved hubby, Daniel for his constant support and love. You are one in a million Daniel and you have yet again made me realise what is important and what is not. I also think I need to make a public apology to Daniel and our boys for putting up with my rather crazy mood swings recently. I am working on it and am hoping to be back to full positivity very soon :-)

I made my blog private but due to popular demand and some rather unhappy followers, have re-instated it. Sorry guys and girls... didn't realise how many people like reading all about me and mine..... I am hoping that if and when I get my book published, I can use extracts from my blog.... so come on everyone, please sign up to follow (as well as just reading)... I have 40 followers but nearly 2300 views... make a girl very happy by signing up to follow me and my progress :-)

Have a nice weekend all xx

My brave little soldier

2010-07-07T13:05:00.004+01:00

Lewis was a very brave little soldier this morning at the dentist. He had to have a big injection (sleep juice as the dentist called it) and a tooth out as well as 3 big fillings.... bless him. I was very proud - he is braver than me for sure - I avoid the dentist at all cost. I would rather give birth and thats saying something this has proved difficult each time too :-) He will have to put his tooth under his pillow for the tooth fairy who I am sure will be very proud too.

The True Definition of Friend

2010-07-07T09:23:00.001+01:00

Dictionary - friend - 6 entries.
1.
Noun - One who entertains for another such sentiments of esteem, respect, and affection that he seeks his society aud welfare; a wellwisher; an intimate associate; sometimes, an attendant.
2.
Noun - One not inimical or hostile; one not a foe or enemy; also, one of the same nation, party, kin, etc., whose friendly feelings may be assumed. The word is some times used as a term of friendly address.
3.
Noun - One who looks propitiously on a cause, an institution, a project, and the like; a favorer; a promoter; as, a friend to commerce, to poetry, to an institution.
4.
Noun - One of a religious sect characterized by disuse of outward rites and an ordained ministry, by simplicity of dress and speech, and esp. by opposition to war and a desire to live at peace with all men. They are popularly called Quakers.
5.
Noun - A paramour of either sex.
6.
v. t. - To act as the friend of; to favor; to countenance; to befriend.

Has got her mojo back - yeah baby

2010-07-06T18:19:00.002+01:00

It is amazing how a restful couple of days can make all the difference. I have had a productive couple of days and got myself back in routine. I have a couple of job interviews coming up and am hoping to enrol in a degree course come September. I am counting down the days until our holiday where I cant wait to spend some quality time with Daniel and the boys as well as my mother in law and sister in law. I just hope that Mandy is ok as yet again she has had an allergic reaction during surgery and is very poorly again - get well soon hunny, love ya loads xxxx

Having a bit of a challenging time with Lewis where school is concerned but we are getting there. We have the wheels in motion for some additional support and I am sure he will be right up there at the top of the class with the love and support of his family and the additional support from the SEN. I had a meeting at the school this morning and parents evening is tonight at 19:10.

Life is good - it is challenging and has many twists and turns but it is all a learning curve and I am blessed for the things that I hold dear.

Bye bye for now blog - off to get ready for parents evening... will be back soon :-)

Don't Quit -- A Poem of Inspiration

2010-07-06T11:59:00.000+01:00

Baby Shower

2010-07-04T19:44:00.003+01:00

Whoop whoop - the baby shower is booked for Saturday 25th September and I cant wait to plan all the games and have a lovely get together with family and friends... Mel & Richard are due in October and Lisa & Anthony in January - what a wonderfully special time and I cant wait to be an Auntie again :-) So heres to planning the games and excitement of the day... it will definately be a day to remember and the celebration of 2 new lives coming into the world......

Affirmation

2010-07-04T13:13:00.002+01:00

I believe the sun should never set upon an argument
I believe we place our happiness in other people's hands
I believe that junk food tastes so good because it's bad for you
I believe your parents did the best job they knew how to do
I believe that beauty magazines promote low self esteem
I believe I'm loved when I'm completely by myself alone

I believe in Karma what you give is what you get returned
I believe you can't appreciate real love 'til you've been burned
I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side
I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye

I believe you can't control or choose your sexuality
I believe that trust is more important than monogamy
I believe your most attractive features are your heart and soul
I believe that family is worth more than money or gold
I believe the struggle for financial freedom is unfair
I believe the only ones who disagree are millionaires

I believe in Karma what you give is what you get returned
I believe you can't appreciate real love 'til you've been burned
I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side
I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye

I believe forgiveness is the key to your own happiness
I believe that wedded bliss negates the need to be undressed
I believe that God does not endorse tv evangelists
I believe in love surviving death into eternity

I believe in Karma what you give is what you get returned
I believe you can't appreciate real love 'til you've been burned
I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side
I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye

Music and Me

2010-07-04T12:58:00.003+01:00

Music really is the window to the soul. I love listening to music and it makes me reflect, think and look to the future...

I am who I am. I am me. I am not going to let people get to me anymore end of story. The people that know me know what kind of person and I am I dont need to justify myself. The problem as I see it is that I have been 'too' nice for too long. I dont want to be that person anymore. Thank you to the people who have supported me these last couple of weeks, you know who you are and you know how important you are to me. I am thankful to have you in my life and I think the world of each and every one of you.

We live once only and from now onwards I am going to make the most of it. Out with the old and in with the new. Amen.

Wide Awake at Three Thirty In The Morning

2010-07-04T03:30:00.003+01:00

oh dear oh dear what is going on - it is half three in the morning (on a Sunday morning I may add) and here I am wide awake.... oh what joy. On a more positive note, being wide awake on my own at this time of the morning allows thinking time so its not all bad.

I was reflecting on my previous post of a rubbish week and thought 'hold on a minute' its not totally been rubbish. It was my little man's 8th birthday and we have had a wonderful couple of days. We watched Shrek Forever After in 3D followed by a pub lunch and then Lewis has had his friend stay for the night Saturday and watching them laugh and have fun made me realise that these are the people that are important and I am blessed with a wonderful family. I have a husband who loves and supports me always and has done for the past 18 years and 3 of the most wonderful sons in the whole world. We must be doing something right to have a 14 year old who is in the process of sitting his GCSE's in year 9 (2 years early). Our 12 year old is the worst most fear free adrenaline junkie whose outlook on life is what it should be and our 8 year old is the most loving 8 year old ever.

My sister and sister-in-law to both having a baby and I cant wait to be an Auntie again - roll on October and January :)

So now I just need to be able to deal with the more difficult and challenging things in my life. My mum's illness being the hardest of all. She has another visit later today from her care team to try to help make things easier for her. It is so painful watching someone you love suffer and bit by bit lost control over each and every part of her body - thank the lord her brain remains intact. She is the most amazing lady ever, she is my best friend. Multiple Sclerosis is such a terrible disease and I pray to god that one day they find a cure - unfortunately that probably wont be in her lifetime though :'(

So contrary to popular belief outside my house and outside my family I do have rather a lot on my plate and my only priorities are my family who for various reasons need me right now.

So today is a new day. It is out with the old and in with the new. I am going to stop other people from getting to me and concentrate on what is important only. I have a feeling it is going to be a busy couple of weeks but as ever dear blog I will keep you updated.....

Bye bye for now

Had a really rubbish week

2010-07-03T20:44:00.003+01:00

Still feeling very fragile and rather down. Cant seem to get my mojo back at the moment and seem overwhelmed by life. I hope that I start to feel happier real soon. I need something to look forward to and quickly.

Savage Garden - Affirmation Complete With Lyrics

2010-07-03T09:25:00.000+01:00

Storm Is Over - R Kelly - Complete With Lyrics

2010-07-03T09:21:00.000+01:00

The BITCH is about to resurface

2010-07-03T08:46:00.002+01:00

Ok blog it has come to my attention that there are some seriously pathetic people out there and you know what I can choose to be associated with them or I can choose to send them back where they belong - out of my life!

The last few weeks have taught me that good friends and good people are few and far between and the ones that have not got the balls to say it to my face are well pretty laughable and not worth my time or effort.

I have been far too nice for far too long but not any more. Karma WILL collect her dues but in the meantime Mrs Nice is no longer ;) I make a very good friend but an even better enemy. I know who and what is important to me - the rest are of no significance whatsoever anymore. So the rest of you and you know who you are - do one and do us all a favour. Thanks!

Baby Rabone - My little Niece or Nephew - EDD Monday 10th January 2011

2010-06-30T19:20:00.004+01:00

Baby Rabone EDD Monday 10th January 2011 ........ My gorgeous new niece or nephew.... Question is team pink or team blue???? - 12 week scan photo Tuesday 29th June 2010

Closure and Progression - A Bumpy Journey and A Turbulent Few Days

2010-06-30T18:40:00.004+01:00

What a couple of days. Went to my appointment at Northwick Park Hospital yesterday and got the go ahead for my gastric band which is good news. I have to have an endoscopy first due to my hiatus hernia but all being well it should be taking place in about 8 weeks time. Although it is good news I feel mixed emotions. I am upset with myself for letting myself go so much and embarrassed that all over my hospital notes show 'morbidly obese' but I am hoping that after 20 years of yo-yo dieting and a terrible relationship with food, this will bring some closure and allow me to reclaim my life.

After a really lovely few days off work and then returning and spending most of yesterday in tears, I decided to tell my employers to shove it. They have done nothing but criticise me, complain, find fault and moan. What they promised me when I took on the job was nothing like the real thing and the last straw was having my probationary period extended due to circumstances beyond my control and quite frankly it is not the kind of company I want to be associated with. I just hope that karma hurries up and comes to collect her dues and that I have front row seats - what goes around comes around and I truly believe that!

So right now I am feeling rather delicate and fragile. I hope that I find something else but I am going to spend the next couple of days dusting myself off and picking myself back up again.

On a more positive note my sister and brother in law had their 12 week scan yesterday and I have a little picture of my new niece or nephew who is completely and utterly gorgeous already.... I cant wait to meet my new niece in October and spoil her with lots of love and then my new niece or nephew in January 2011 to spoil with lots of love......

So I am off now to chill with a glass or ten of win and prepare for my little boys 8th birthday on Friday... bless him.... I cant wait to spend more time with my family x

The end of an amazing few days

2010-06-28T20:12:00.003+01:00

Why is it that all good things have to come to an end? I have had such a lovely 5 days off that I just don't want to return to normality... I could very much get used to being a lady of leisure. I have had some wonderful experiences and spent some good, old fashioned quality family time with my dearly beloved and most wonderful kids ever :-) Today Daniel and I went to Windsor on a boat ride and then for a lovely pub lunch. This afternoon has been spent chilling in the garden reading, listening to music, having a glass or two of wine and watching Lewis and his mates in our paddling pool..... pure bliss and just like being on holiday. By tomorrow, the dream is over and it will back to reality (big sigh).....

Elliott has been away for 3 days by the seaside with some friends. I have missed him immensely but I bet he has had the most glorious time ever.

Tomorrow I have my appointment with Northwick Park/St. Marks in regards to the gastric band. I have never been as confused as I am right now and I hope that tomorrow will bring with it some decisions and some kind of closure (fingers crossed). Part of me stills says go for the old fashioned way and the rest of me says I have not learned a good relationship with food in over 18 years so what will change without it?!? I am ashamed to say I have made myself sick 3 times in 3 days and the control I feel each time is fantastic - It is sooooooooo wrong though.... Why oh why can a normally rational woman become so stupid sometimes!!! The things us girls do for vanity....

Oh well dear blog I will update you tomorrow when I have made the decision................

Bye bye for now :-)

X factor, bingo and a lovely few days off work

2010-06-27T00:16:00.002+01:00

Why hello there blog, sorry it has been a little while. It has been a busy week. I went to the xfactor auditions on Thursday - no not to audition before you ask (I know that after one too many glasses of wine I think I am Madonna but in the cold light of day, nope don't think so) but to be in the audience. It was fab - well it was after the initial pain in the bum queuing for 2 hours anyway....... There certainly were some funny people about. They put some odd balls through and turned down some mighty fine talent. One woman in particular was singing her own version of Mercy by Duffy and with all the cavorting on stage along with much moaning and groaning, I concluded that she had taken a wrong turn on route to the 'fantasy channel' or some other porn movies!! I certainly had tears in my eyes - but more of laughter than of emotion. I do have to have a moan though dear blog (surely not I hear you say) - there are some rude and arrogant Londoners out there - where have manners gone - 2 pregnant ladies (my sister and my soon to be sister in law) - one noticeably so having to stand up on public transport on a busy train and then being crushed by some stupid, inconsiderate people - some of whom look only just out of nappies!!! OMG I hope I have taught my 3 sons manners, courtesy and kindness!!!! Well I will have to watch xfactor when it comes on the telly - we might be famous as the cameras were on us a lot in the audience. I am still trying to get over the fact they were charging £1.80 for a bag of crisps and £4.50 for a pasty - good for the diet as there is not a chance in hell I would pay that!!

Then on Friday we went to bingo at the local club (StoneyWall Community Centre in Bedfont, Middlesex) and I wont £37.00 whoop whoop - happy days!! :)

So I have been off since Thursday and I have loved every minute of it - please, please, please if there is a wish fairy lurking around let me win the national lottery so I can give up work or at least do something I want to do instead of having to put up with people (or one person inparticular) who does nothing but critisise - good job I believe in karma that I can tell you!! Still not sure leaving my previous employer for the right thing to do but hey ho what is done is done and short of a miracle I am stuck with it. Don't get me wrong I would be more than happy in my job and was feeling happier and a little more confidence until I went for my 3 month review (after being with them 4 months so far) only to be told the probationary period has been extended for another month due to the problems I have been having with the phone line - charming!!!! As this is completely out of my control and not my fault at all, I think I can be forgiven for feeling just a little miffed and confused!!??!! Had I (emphasis on I) done something wrong then I would have to take it on the chin, learn from it and improve but I am feeling more than a little hard done by to say the least. It makes me wonder if the fact that they are recruiting may just be an excuse for getting rid of me - I guess time will tell. For someone of a somewhat paranoid nature and total lack of self belief this does not help.

Ok I am fed up of talking about work. I am not back there until Tuesday evening so I am going to forget it while I can!!!

I am feeling very proud of my eldest son Aaron, who has been sitting his GCSE's recently - in year 9 (at just turned 14) - what an amazing achievement - 2 years early :-) He wants to go to university he says so we had better get saving.

I am also very proud of our middle son Elliott who has been working very hard to improve his tendancy for detentions and internal exclusions (as a result of not turning up to his detentions). His dad said if he can get to the end of term without a detention/internal exclusion he will earn himself £20 and he is bang on target with only 3 weeks of the term to go.

I am also very proud of our youngest son Lewis who performed in his school choir last weekend. Now we just need make him 'grow' up a little - my fault as mummy has kept him as her baby for far too long (just the way I like it).

My broodiness is still there but I have concluded that unless I lose some weight and sort other issues out it is unlikely to happen. We shall see on that one - watch this space.

I re-joined the gym on Friday and am determined to make use of the membership. Apart from a diet point of view, exercise is very good for mental health and can be as (if not more) effective that anti-depressants.

I am loving this weather at the moment it is glorious (apart from the night time when it is so difficult to sleep) and cant wait to watch England vs Germany tomorrow - Come on England you can do it....

Ok thats it for now dear blog - I am off to get some beauty sleep.......

I dont get it... I really dont

2010-06-02T00:35:00.002+01:00

When I was younger I was me... I pleased myself, was not overly concerned if I said something that upset or offended someone and I certainly didn't spend hours upon hours feeling anxious and a bad person but here I am now.. I try to be nice, I treat people how I want to be treated. I would rather upset myself before upsetting others and go out of my way to be just that - NICE. But why? Where is it getting me? I tell you where it is getting me... absolutely nowhere. I am the one going to bed feeling sad, anxious and unhappy. People don't seem overly concerned about what they say to me or how they talk to me so why torture myself with striving to be the perfect human being.. I cant do it anymore, really I cant.

Tell me the true definition of 'friend' dear blog as I am struggling with this. I think I can count my true friends on one hand and to be totally honest I am not sure I want friendships (other than with the very few people I feel blessed to have in my life - they know who they are). If you keep yourself to yourself and spend time on your own, you cant get hurt and you don't have to worry about everyone and everything. I am becoming a nervous wreck and I don't like it... I think I need some serious therapy -either that or I am flawed majorly..... after all I am rhesus negative, one of a minority with OCD, left handed and I have rugby shaped eyes (as opposed to the normal football shaped eyes) as advised by my optician.. Perhaps I am just not normal.... Ummmm now there is food for thought.

Right I have moaned enough, I am going to bed. Tomorrow (or should I say later this morning) is a new day... oh what joy. Lets hope its a stress and event free one... Looking forward to picking up my glasses at least...

1st Weigh In

2010-06-01T12:20:00.002+01:00

4lbs lost first week :-) Not bad going especially given that I was not 100% committed. My weight loss instructor Lorna was very upset at class today as she needs to take a back seat for the next 8-12 weeks due to severe problem with her pelvis which requires intensive physio so hoping that she is better soon and hoping it does hamper my attempts. I am going to have to go to the Monday class with a lady called Lucy. Lets hope by the time Lorna comes back she sees a lot less of me ;)

30 minutes on the treadmill

2010-05-31T18:56:00.002+01:00

Go me.... go me.... 30 minutes on the treadmill and feeling rather good :-) Long may the good work last. 1st weigh in tomorrow ... fingers crossed as I was unwell for the first half of the week but feeling better now.

Errrrr just went to check the chicken new yorker to put the cheese on top and the cheese (which was opened in the fridge) was mouldy OMG if thats not enough to put you off dinner I dont know what it... Well cheese and bacon is in the bin.. chicken is washed with new bacon on the top and I am feeling rather un-hungry :-( yuk......

Feeling bit tired now as been to watch Elliott on his motorbike today at Four Marks and I must say he is rather good... he is definately an adrenalin junkie so I think we should be investing in some cotton wool and life insurance! 12 years old and able to ride a motorbike with gears... very impressive :-)

Progress update

2010-05-30T08:32:00.002+01:00

Been awake since 05:00 and its Sunday.....

Started on the diet from Tuesday and have been poorly ever since... fantastic timing! Feeling better today though thank goodness. I even walked to the shop for my morning paper and diet coke fix at 06:30 this morning. Realised how unfit I am though as even a short walk to the shop has made me feel tired and it was hard word. Thus making me even more determined to shift this weight.

Being overweight must be contributing to me feeling ever so slightly old.. oh and being to the opticians and being old I have to wear glasses which I pick up on Wednesday. I am quite looking forward to picking them up as they are rather trendy ... might make me look sophisticated :-)

Right I am off to read the rest of the paper and perhaps head off to the car boot sale.

Dear Blog... sorry for abandoning you

2010-05-26T23:09:00.002+01:00

Oh dear it has been 2 months since last writing in my blog.. thats not good.... but I am back and I promise not to abandon you again.....

So what has changed.......
My brother and his partner are having their 2nd baby and my sister and her hubby are going to be parents for the first time... I am so excited.. Richard and Mel are due in October (they already have little girl called Grace who will be 2 in December) and Lisa and Antony are due in January..... Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh so lovely.... It does make me broody though.. my babies are not babies any more and are growing into fine young men (they will be my babies forever though).. Aaron is 14 and sitting GCSE's 2 years early (proud mummy moment)... Elliott is now 12 and is motorbike mad ... he is really good!! Would be a good idea to find some cotton wool to wrap him in though because he could walk in a straight line and still manage to do his body some harm! Lewis is 7 (8 in July) and is mummy's little man... I must admit that I have kept him a baby for far too long because I love it!! He is the kindest and sweetest little boy in whole wide world but it is time for me to allow him to grow up a little .............. noooooooooooooooo - they are growing up too quickly.

Re-joined Rosemary Conley on Tuesday at Allhallows Church Hall in Twickenham (Lorna is the leader). Shed a few tears as so bloody pissed with myself for letting myself go so much. I am nearly 2 stones heavier than full term pregnant with my youngest child!! OMG how did that happen. I need to get control (I know, I know - I keep saying it). May be stupid to people who have never had a weight and/or body image problem but its true! I have never learned how eat properly. You are supposed to eat to live but I seem to live to eat. Rather than dealing with emotions I eat (or drink) too much. Lorna was so kind to me (but firm)... she promised to help me but made me promise to attend every week (even if I have a bad day and/or week) and to take it in small steps (rather than being so overwhelmed by the total amount I need to lose). So I will keep you updated dear blog.

The weather the past few days has nearly killed me - cant breathe, so tired and aching. That along with a cold has left me feeling a tad sorry for myself and down in the dumps, yet I love the sun and the heat - just wish I was slim enough to enjoy it and wear some sexy clothes....

Ok gotta go now dear blog as I am supposed to be working. I will be back soon, promise :-)

I used to be indecisive now i'm not so sure

2010-03-17T11:02:00.002Z

Well after various mistakes and problems with the hospital I have come to the conclusion that fate is telling me a gastric band is not the way to go and that me and me alone have the answers within and the strength to shift this weight by dieting and exercise. Both my mum and hubby, who I respect more than anyone else in the world keep telling me I try to change too many at once, resulting in overload and giving up!

So I am going to try to make small changes and try to be kinder to myself in order to turn my life round. I am going to begin with trying to be more positive.

So here I am again, another fresh start but hopefully the start of a whole new beginning. Fingers crossed. Onwards and upwards.

One week and counting

2010-02-22T20:56:00.002Z

Well it is one week until my hospital appointment regarding the gastric band and I think I have finally decided to proceed with it, or the 'elastic band' as my mum calls it :-). Perhaps it is an easier way out or perhaps it is going to be the beginning of a fresh start after 17 years of battling my weight. I sincerely hope so. I have tried dieting and long term it just doesn't work for me. I can lose weight but I just can not keep it off. I am sick and tired of thinking about food and my body image 24/7.

I handed my notice in to WestOne on Friday and my last day is the 19th March. I feel really hurt that they had a problem with me doing a 2nd job in addition to my work for them. I have given so much to my job over the past four years. I am thinking about seeking legal advise. I think it is crazy that there is a crisis in this country of people not wanting to get off their arses and work yet I want to do two jobs and am stopped from doing so! Huh. Not amused. So I am going to be doing 2 jobs until the 19th March and then one job from 1700-0000 Monday to Friday. Weekends off, yipeeeeeeeeeeee. The new company are so nice. They genuinely care and are really happy that I am going to be part of their team. I am so apprehensive. Change always causes a few problems for me so I guess I am going to need to ride the storm and attempt to calm down a little.

Fingers crossed that positive change is on the horizon. Next challenge is to sort out the good old finances!

Note to self: Stop being so bloody miserable and work on the positives instead of the negatives!

Weigh in 3

2010-01-26T21:41:00.002Z

I lost 1lb tonight taking the grand total to 9lbs in 3 weeks. I am a little disappointed as I was hopin I lost more especially given that I have been exercising loads. Perhaps it will show next week. Still 9lbs in 3 weeks is quite impressive. On the way back from my class I bought a scratchcard and won £25.00... happy days! Feeling a little bit tired and ever so slightly down tonight. I think I am probably just tired but my head hurts and I just want to close my eyes and have a good rest... tomorrow is another day.... hopefully a happier one.

Looking good and feeling good

2010-01-25T21:54:00.002Z

Went to Finchley (North London) this evening to collect a treadmill I won on ebay..... I am very impressed! After eventually getting to go on it after watching the boys fight over whos turn it was first, I have just done 25 minutes. Add that to my 30 minutes aerobics dvd this afternoon and I am on track and feeling great.

It is possible that by the time we go on our holiday to the sun in the summer I may well be a hot yummy mummy in a nice tight fitting swimsuit.......

Ebay - My sales pitch......

2010-01-24T13:51:00.002Z

I have added my 'Ebay' page to my blog and currently have over 70 items for sale.... check it out by clicking on the ebay logo and grab yourself a bargain......

Went jogging.... whoop whoop

2010-01-24T01:39:00.002Z

I am really impressed with myself.... I went for a jog... I didn't jog continuously. I did part walking, part jogging but this is such an improvement. I feel so much stronger mentally when I exercise. I have decided to go cold turkey on my OCD meds.... I have been on them for far too long and it is about time I learned to cope without them... I know cold turkey is not the best idea but I can cope with the slight withdrawal symptoms. I think I know enough about my condition now to deal with the tough days...

I have spent the whole evening listing on ebay (my username is Shelleybaby2005 if you want to check out my items). As Del Boy would say, this time next year we will be millionaires.... lol.

Well it looks like I am spending the night in the boys room as the door handle came off our bedroom door and I cant get in. Daniel is snoooooooooozing the night away after his busy day decorating so I wont wake him.

Well off to bed now as I need my beauty sleep ......